Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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