I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
