I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
