I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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