roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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