I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Randomize
