There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
