Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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