TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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