so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
