a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
