Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
