someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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