oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
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i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
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this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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