my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
