Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize