I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
