you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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