So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
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Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
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I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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