I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The uberlube is also flammable
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
