watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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