I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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