I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
