i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Randomize
