Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
