She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
