The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
