You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
