first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
