My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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