i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
