I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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