If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
