ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
