We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
