you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
her facebook's as public as her vagina
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
