Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
