i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
