level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
