Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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