just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
