Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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