Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
