Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
