i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
