Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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