I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
