2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
