Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
