My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
