I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
