yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
