Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
