Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
