First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
