I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just had sex bonerless
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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